Yellow Shirt

Walking down on a crowded street surrounded by blue umbrellas. I keep on walking, trying to find your eyes among the strangers I met. In a crowded place like this, I always wanted to find you.

Wearing a yellow shirt hoping you'll find me first. The same shirt you love. The same shirt I wore on our first date. With hope in my heart, I roam around the street once more.

Until I saw a red umbrella who caught my attention and our eyes met. But suddenly a girl from my behind traipsed into your direction. You smiled brightly at her. That is when I realized I am not the girl who makes you smile anymore. I am not the girl you wanted to meet that night. I am not the girl you are in love with. I am just your past and the story of you and I is over.

Faded Away

In a party where the stars seems to be the only light. I danced with somebody—a stranger to be exact. His eyes dances and I am well aware of my cheeks probably tinted with red. His scent is addictive. 

We strode the dancefloor with grace and heart thumping with the same beat. I rest my face in his chest—feeling secured. 

I shot my head up and stared to his chocolate mesmerizing eyes. In a blink he started to fade away leaving me in the center. 

A moment later I saw him dancing with somebody. The stars shone brightly at them. I can say he’s now happy and it’s time for me to move on.

Pain is a Choice

I don’t know why but the more it hurts the more I laugh. Maybe being in pain is just an ordinary predicament to me where I used to face every day. Maybe pain has become my comfort zone. It became my home where I used to get out in a minute and after a while or at the end of the day pain is where I end. It is where I ended. Pain can be tormented for some. However, in my case, I learned to enjoy it. I learned to caress the pain growing inside me. I learned to be part of it as it became part of me. Pain can torture you if you to. But if not? You can be happy together with it. Pain as my pain reliever. Pain as my friend. Pain as me.

We made a lot of decisions that may cause us to regret something or that made us happy. The choices we made may dictate our future. Therefore, if you choose to suffer then it’s your choice but if not then it’s not.

The pain we felt may define what kind of person we are—it may be in a negative or positive way. Let us put it this way, you are suffering than you deserve because maybe you are a good person having a soft heart. Maybe you are just a good person and others might have taken you for granted that’s why you are suffering than you intended to. Suffering isn’t just because you made something bad neither nor you have hurt someone.
 
In a negative way, we suffer because of the wrong decisions we have made in our life. Decisions that we probably regretted by now. Decisions that we want to correct.
 
But there is a good thing in pain. Pain makes us stronger. It molds us to become a better person. It nurtures our spirit not to give up so easily. Embrace pain, love it and it will leave eventually because everything you love always leaves you.

When a Philophobia Fell in Love

Some say that love is the greatest feeling you could ever feel. Some say that love can make you smile without a reason, can make you laugh, can make you feel happy and can inspire you to live your life.

On the other side of the word love, others say that love can make you crazy, love can make you cry all night, love can crush your heart and above all love can hurt you.

Everybody dream to experience a fairytale and to find their happily ever after. Everybody wants to be in love but nobody wants to be hurt or to suffer in pain because of love.

Philophobia is those people who are afraid to fall in love. Who can blame them? In today's world where everything seems to be like a game, you have to win for you to survive. Who can blame them? Today, the phrase "I love you" seems to just a common simple phrase that you can even say to your enemies. The phrase "I love you" which is considered to be a treasure is now just a word without any meaning to it.

Love is like a war. Yes, it is true. A kind of war that Philophobia people are afraid to be part of. A kind of war that they truly avoid. A kind of war that they are afraid to fight for.

Everybody encounters love. Everybody encounters a special someone that makes their heart flutter. Hence, those people who are philophobia are doing their very best to drive away people who are in love with them. They wanted to love but the fear of falling in love always stops them.

Their thoughts were clouded with "Please don't come near me." "Please don't fall in love with me." "Please don't say you love me." Their minds can be pretty messy. "Please don't take a step closer to me but please stay just as this close." "Go away...please stay." Trust me even them are confused too. They are trying to fight with their fear.

When a Philophobia fell in love, they are pushing people away from them, people who are in love with them. They are considering these people a threat. Even though they have feelings for that person, they will try their best to stop it. They might hurt themselves because of it but they will just convince their mind that it is the right thing to do. It is better to be hurt now than crying with a broken heart. 

They really want to open their heart but at some point when they are about to open the lock the thought of being hurt always stop them. They will lock and hide their heart farther and farther as more people tried to find it. Until one day they can no longer find it. Until one day they can no longer find it. Until one day those people who wanted to find it will give up. Until one day, even them (Philophobia) can never find it.

They are sometimes mistakenly called bitter or love hater when actually they are not. They are not bitter or love hater, they are just afraid of love. Being bitter or thinking of negative things about love help them to drive away the thought of being in love. They are fooling their mind especially their heart that they are not in love. It is the only way they can think to protect themselves and to protect their heart.

That is why don't judge those kinds of people. They are suffering in pain too. They are crying until they fell asleep. Their heart is crushed and broken too. But they just smile and pretend not to be in love.

If you are in love with a person with philophobia, don't give up. Teach them how to love, how to trust and above all teach them how to find their heart. Help them to create a place for you. Give them reasons to fight their fear. Be brave enough not to walk away whenever they are pushing you because, at the end of the day, I'm sure you'll get their heart.

They wanted to love and be loved but too afraid to face it.

Love

Love? Capital L.O.V.E. Love is a feeling in which we can’t explain by words but by actions, actions in which sometimes often can lead into misunderstanding. Not all those sweet person are in love with you or not all of those people who were sweet towards you have feelings for you. Some of them are just sweet and some of them are just playing around.

Most of us couldn’t see it, right? Sometimes we thought that he has the same feelings as what we have because he’s caring, sweet, gentlemen and many more. Sometimes your heart fooled you just by telling that he\she is in love with you because of what he was showing towards you. Our heart can’t see, keep it in your mind. It is our eyes who can see everything but sometimes even if we can already see the truth we choose to be blind because of the fact that we love them.

LOVE? I didn’t hate it I just don’t like it. Because I don’t want to see those people who went miserable because of love. Does love is the real reason for everything or it is just the person you love? They say love come from various shape and form. Some said that love is the reason why they are alive. But for me it wasn’t. It is your choice to be alive and it is your choice to stop your life. Love is eternal. Love is blind. Love can make you crazy. Love can make you happy.

LOVE?

I don’t know why people used to blame it. All of us have a different perception towards love. We can’t judge others because of it. We can’t judge other’s if they hate it. We haven’t know what they have experience towards it. Love can crush us. Love can destroy us. Love can ruin us. I used to be one of the fanatics of the word love yet when I was about to experience and feel it. I changed. I hate it. Not because I was once broken because of it but because I used to hate myself.

I hate myself for loving a wrong person. I hate myself for believing in lies that someday he might turn back all of the effort and love I have gave to him. Yet I was wrong.

I WAS ALL WRONG.

After what I have done to him, after what I have sacrifice for of him. He just hurt me and left me in the middle of the night crying my eyes out and keeps on finding all of my broken pieces. I am still now living with a broken heart. I am still finding its missing pieces. Yet I am not the same girl he left before.

I am broken.

I am heartless.

I am became Ms Heartless.